This is a clear indication that something did happen the evidence was in my reaction and after how it affected and changed me. The fact I’ve dissociated from the whole experience is another dead giveaway.
Dissociation occurs when something is too painful to process or to handle, it is used as a means to survival, and in other words it is used as a defense mechanism to protect a child/adult against the trauma that is occurring.
Since a child’s brain is in the early stages of development trauma can affect its natural growth and can cause long terms effects such as attachment issues, identity issues, difficultly identifying, managing and expressing emotions and a negative impact on language development. My younger sister always knew that he was doing these evil things to us from a young age but thought that everyone knew but it was forbidden to talk about; she felt she was sworn to secrecy. When he died she danced on top of his grave. But he mainly focused on my older sister.
I don’t blame my parents at all for not knowing, the situation was truly out of their control. This is what I do remember about him. I would go visit him with family and at least once to my knowledge I went down by myself between the ages of 8-10 looking for my older sister and ended up spending time with him, I sat on his lap for a while and then we went into his toilet block and he got undressed in front of me and put on different clothes. From this time on I didn’t like my sisters getting dressed in front of their friends or cousins, I remember out of anger from this I pushed someone off a bike. I also didn’t like getting undressed in front of people so I didn’t.
My brother and cousin remember him touching them in inappropriately and my brother told me that the man’s privates were erect when he sat on his lap. When my brother was born a man named Stan (also lived at the back with the old man but passed away long before he did) came to our backdoor and asked mum if he could keep him. My sister and cousin caught him watching them with binoculars. We found a white rooster and decided to keep it; it got along with the cats and was very friendly. We ended up giving it to the old man as he also had other birds.
Not long after that it turned feral and it would attack us if we went down there. A family friend had warned us a few times to get him off the property and Dad tried to but couldn’t. These are just some indications that he had a pedophilic nature and had cruel tendencies but hid it well from my parents. And this is just the tip of the iceberg compared to what’s beneath the surface. I do have good memories of the farm, but there was also a lot of hidden darkness.
I grieved a lot after we moved from the farm and I believe that I generally missed the place but what really kept me in bondage to the place was the trauma that occurred with the old man that lived at the back of our property. We moved to a new house at the end of 2004 and I believe this was when everything really started to change in my family. At first we had people over, but that slowly died down due to how bad the atmosphere was at home. My older sister and I use to be close as kids we spent a lot of time together doing activates, apparently I was one of the first person’s she bonded with and she has brought this up a few times.
It began when she came to my kinder and we held hands and at that moment she felt accepted by me. We have a picture of this moment. We started to drift apart at the new place this is when she started to show me her journals which were covered in her blood; we also cleaned up her blood too. Her wrists and legs would be sliced up most of the time. I did my best to help her in the early stages of her struggle by organizing meetings with Mum and Dad in an attempt to help, to communicate with her, but they led nowhere. One memory I will never forget is when my family came home from a restaurant.
Mum, my brother, younger sister and I found her sitting on the floor surrounded and covered in her blood holding her dog. My brother bathed the dog, my younger sister bathed her and Mum and I mopped up the blood on the floor, the blood was incredibly thick due to how much there was.
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