Authors Note: The following article contains disturbing events. Readers discretion is advised.
She once painted me a picture out of her blood, it was a good picture but it was Mum who told me it was blood not paint. Seeing blood or even the mention of blood can still give my feet a numbing sensation.
Over time I grew more apathetic towards her and her situation which helped me to cope with the reality of it; one example of this would be I heard a knock on my door and I heard my cousin say to me your sister has oded on pills and has been rushed to the hospital I got up and opened the door and replied by saying something along the lines of ”can’t I stay here I want to go back to bed” I ended up having to go to the hospital to find out what was going on with her. Events like this happened many times throughout life and with each time my reaction became less and less as these attempts at ending her life were to be expected.
In my early teens I got diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome which I don’t believe I had my issues were linked to shock and trauma. She was in and out of psych wards and rehabs growing up. I observed her abusive relationship, which had a negative impact on the way I view them. One time when she came home after my brother and a friend had just been in a bomb explosion on our property which it’s a miracle they are both alive. All the attention went back on to her and it felt like his situation became less important.
On the night of the explosion there was quite a few people over and we were all out the back waiting for him and a family friend to get away from the bomb that’s when it went off not long after that I ran back to the house and got someone to call an ambulance I eventually went into the hallway and I had no idea what to do people were running in and out someone came to the backdoor and told me that friend had no legs and then I looked out the front door and saw a bunch of people around my brother, he was sitting on a long bench. I didn’t know what to do some people eventually brought him inside and someone came and got me out of the hallway and told me he needed me. I walked out to him his face and arms were black he had been severely burnt. I put my hand on his shoulder and stood behind him as he was sitting on a chair I think he told me to tell the family that he loved them, he told us later on that he saw the light at the end of the tunnel and was given a choice to stay or go.
Firemen, police and the paramedics ended up arriving at our place and took over. I felt completely helpless that night and even to this day I still feel a lot about it. After this my sister came home from rehab she weighed around 40-50 kilos and this is when we started locking our fridge cause of the bulimia, our fridge would end up empty a lot and most mornings I’d wake up and discover vomit in the backyard; you could see a look of death and decay in her face and the kitchen would be a mess. H
er room would be in a chaotic state where she would keep containers of her own vomit and on an occasion an empty bottle of straight liquor; one day my dad had to clean up the shed which he discovered was full of it. I remember one time coming back from work she was vomiting near the backyard I said hello to her and walked on my way acting like nothing was going on. This was around the time when work became too overwhelming and I quit. I started to drink a lot more due to my emotional state.
Childhood abuse was also in the process of surfacing with us all and I believe this has changed the way I think and view life; I now do my best to look at the bigger picture in life and contemplate about things that are important and worthwhile in my life. Mum and I picked up her from a friends place that she was living with. She walked towards the car and as soon as we made eye contact I could tell that something had severely shaken her up, she looked at me like I was a stranger and was in a traumatized state. When we got back to our place she dissociated and walked up to me and said in a little girl’s voice “you remember me don’t you” I started to tear up but held back my emotions and stood there in a moment of silence and was speechless.
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