Sometimes if my brother and I had been up all night we would wait until 9am to go to the bottle-o and start drinking shortly after that. I’ve been on Centrelink for majority of the time but there was a time I was off it for 6-12 months with only one job in-between that lasted for 3 months. So for the other months I barely got by, thank God for my parents without them I would have been worse off. I did have a full time job but just as things were at the peak of worsening that’s when I quit.
I did have some work here and there and did a few pointless courses along the way but finding or even the thought of maintaining a full time job put me into a panic. When I did those odd jobs or courses I usually would be on guard or expect the worst. Relaxing and been myself around people is something that I struggle with, this applies to a career as well.
That much happened growing up that I didn’t have a chance to develop a healthy sense of self. I sometimes see the world through damaged eyes and am on the defensive, someone who puts on a strong front to defend such weakness/vulnerability. I guess I feel the need to protect myself because of a belief I’ve co-created that as soon as someone spots a weakness/vulnerability in you they will judge and attack it. I’m sure at times I’ve experienced this. I’m attempting to teach myself that there are people who do genuinely care about my wellbeing and whose intentions are good, not everybody is cruel minded. Having glimmers of hope has been an ongoing process but it always seems to get lost when the survival way of thinking/feeling creeps back in. I’ve been so focused on survival that actually living life has seemed out of reach.
It’s been a couple of years since I first moved out of home and I’ll conclude with, I’m currently studying visual arts and design which is something I’m actually interested in (not like the previous course’s I did). I also took up the piano roughly 9 months ago it’s challenging but rewarding. I’ve been pushing myself to get involved in things that I’m genuinely passionate about. I still struggle with certain things at times (Like most of us do) but I’m doing my best to move forward in life.
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